A Letter to My Former Self

To my former self:

Hey there.  It's been quite a while since I've thought of you.  These days I'm too busy working, cleaning, growing another human, and chasing around a two-year old to give you much thought.  Sorry. The truth is, it's been so long since we've last crossed paths that I feel we've grown apart.  I'm having a hard time remembering you--the things you liked and didn't like.  I can't recall how you used your free time and I've even forgotten the things you thought were important and those things that you were passionate about.  Somedays it's like I don't even know you.  

Looking back to some time ago, I realize now that I never appreciated you.  I belittled you, thought poorly of you, and often cursed you.  I never thought you were smart enough, or pretty enough, or thin enough.  I felt that you were inadequate and that you were always lacking something.  Looking back in pictures and videos, I now realize how wrong I was.  You were enough.  You were smart enough, pretty enough, and thin enough.  I realize now that I never allowed you to enjoy life to the fullest, I somehow felt I needed to "bring you back to earth" or that I needed to "ground" you.  I'm sorry about that.  I should have given you some credit, complimented you, and allowed you to laugh and enjoy those fleeting moments of carefree happiness.  

I understand now you were trying to find who you were in a confusing world.  You were trying to be a mature, trust-worthy adult, and a person of integrity and morals in a time that doesn't appreciate or encourage such things.  You were young and naive and optimistic about life and love and your career. You really thought you would change the world... and I mocked you.  I doubted you and I questioned you.  I didn't give you the time, space, or grace you so needed to find yourself.

So here I am, many years older, in many ways completely different, writing to you my former self.  But in doing so, I realize that I haven't learned anything from the way I treated you.  I am now older, somewhat wiser, a more jaded version of you but I'm still trying to find myself.  I'm still trying to be an adult of morals and integrity in a world that doesn't value such traits.  I'm trying to become a better person, wife, and mother.  I still have [some of the same] things that I value more than anything and things that I'm passionate about.  The difference now being these things are a little more refined, guided, and directed.  Yet again, I find myself doing the same things--questioning, doubting, and rejecting who I am at the present.

The truth is, I owe you not only my apologies, but my thanks.  It's because of you--the things you went through--fought through--dreamed of--and figured out that I am the person I am today.  Although hurts, disappointments, marriage, motherhood, and life have at times come between us, you're still as much a part of my life as you ever were.  Even if I have to search a little harder to find you or think a little harder to remember you.  Even though sometimes I think I've lost you, it's days like today that I still remember that carefree, breezy, younger version of myself and I'm able to smile knowing you've not left me.  You've burrowed deeper within and have simply formed the foundation for who I'm becoming.

Here's to you.

Love,
Me