Confessions of a Guilty Person

"Every guilty person is his own hangman" --Lucius Annacus Seneca

GUILT.

We all have it.  It’s that terrible, suffocating feeling of having done something wrong.  I’ve learned that guilt doesn’t lessen or go away as you get older.  Quite the contrary, it only wraps its tentacles around more parts of our lives.  When you were younger, you might have had guilt at things you had done wrong—mistakes that you’ve made, things that had been done to you, or false guilt that others inflicted on you.  There was usually an almost physical reason for feeling this guilt.  You went to far with a boyfriend or girlfriend, you lied to a good friend, you stole something from a store, or you intentionally hurt someone.  The older I’ve become, I’m learning that guilt attaches itself to anything it can.  It no longer needs a physical reason--guilt has two forms.  False guilt and guilt.  False guilt isn't a result of a wrong action, it's a lie from the enemy.  Guilt (in any form) is like that awful kudzu that takes over everything in its path.  What began as a response to your having done something wrong, now becomes a part of every aspect of your life.

Mommy Guilt-this one has been the newest form of guilt trying to take over my mind and heart.

You feel guilty when you want time away from your baby.  You feel guilty that you sometimes wish you could shower alone, use the bathroom alone, or sleep alone.  You feel bad that there are times you question your decision to have a baby at all.  You feel guilty for not buying organic cloth diapers or about not having time to make your own wipes.  You also feel guilt that your baby has to be in daycare and that you have to work—then you feel guilty that you actually like to work.  You feel guilty that you don’t read to your baby as much as you should and that you lose patience much more often than you should.  You feel guilty that you just want a minute to watch a movie without someone interrupting.  You feel guilt about not buying your baby “more” things—clothes, hair bows, toys-- Or that you haven’t been willing (or able) to afford professional photographs and have had to take them yourself.  You feel guilty when you let them cry and then guilty because you don’t let them cry or learn to self-sooth.  You feel guilt when you can’t breastfeed like you planned or that they prefer the bottle or premade baby food to your homemade organic stuff.  You feel guilty that your child isn’t the quiet, calm one at a party—she’s the life of the party.  You feel guilty for all the things you do and for all the things you don’t do, can’t do, or aren’t able to do.

Wife Guilt-

You feel guilt that you wish you could have the bed to yourself sometime or that you really just want to sleep.  You feel bad that you’re not making up all these bedroom games or that you have a different #1 priority from his.  You feel guilt that you don’t provide for all his needs the way he wants you to.  You feel guilt that you can’t seem to keep up with the laundry, the cleaning, the kitchen, the cooking…AND your appearance.  You feel guilt when you say no, you feel guilt when you say yes.  You feel guilt that you don’t have a private bed anymore—you share it with a little one (because you wanted sleep more than romance). You feel guilt that you don’t feel like wearing a skirt and stilettos or that you can’t wait to put on the biggest t-shirt and shorts you own...to sleep.  Then...you feel guilt that you prefer this attire to sexy lingerie that pinches and pokes and scratches.  Then the ever present guilt of you’re not doing “it” enough or good enough or long enough or “happily” enough.

God Guilt-

You feel guilt that you don’t pray enough or read the Bible enough.  You feel bad that you don’t want to go to church or that Wednesday nights are a relaxing night for you and that you don’t want to give that up.  You feel bad that your thoughts are rarely His thoughts and that you don’t look forward to Sunday like you should—you feel guilty that you actually sometimes dread it.  You feel guilty that you’re not as involved as others would like you to be, and then you feel guilty that you don’t really want to be involved.  You feel guilty about not cooking for every sick family, or that you don’t attend every church function.  But you feel guilty for not feeling guilty.

Work Guilt-

You feel that you’re not as effective as you should be.  You feel guilty that you’re not working enough or long enough or hard enough.  You feel guilt that your not accomplishing enough fast enough.  You feel bad that now you’re a mom, you can’t bring work home and actually do it.  You feel guilty that you’re watching the clock for when you need to leave and then you feel guilty that you really wish you could stay “five more minutes” to finish something.

Friend Guilt-

You feel guilty that you don’t have the time to talk and text.  You feel bad that weeks pass and you don’t even think about calling.  You feel bad that you sometimes want someone to vent to and forget that they might need the same thing… this leads to you feeling guilty at being so selfish.  You feel guilt that you have to say no to going out more than you say yes.  You feel badly that you secretly avoid making new friends because you can’t keep up with—and sometimes aren’t sure you want to—keep up with the old ones. It’s too much work.

Self Guilt-

You feel guilty that you’re fat.  That you—the fitness/diet guru—let herself go—that bad.  You feel guilty that you aren’t motivated to workout like you use to be even though you need it now more than ever.  You feel guilty that you don’t have the self control that you once had to keep yourself from eating or to make yourself throw up… and then you feel badly for even considering those thoughts and methods for weight loss and maintenance.  You feel guilty that you can’t run a mile or that you’re not cranking out the 5Ks.  Then you feel guilty that you are secretly jealous every time you see some two-month-old mommy bragging about how they’re back in their skinny jeans or that they only have 2 more pounds to go.  You secretly hate them—but more so—hate your body even more.  But oops, now you feel guilty about that confession too.  You feel guilty that you aren’t reading more books or that you’re not freezing months of food at a time.  You feel guilty that you do drink sodas sometimes even though you know they’re bad for you.  

I could continue, but the point being, this guilt is a heavy thing to carry.  It weighs heavy on your mind, your heart and your spirit.  This leads to feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness.  But, Romans 8:1 says, “ There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”.  Or as some versions state, there is no condemnation for those who walk according to the spirit and not unto the flesh.  Pardon me if I am misquoting or misusing this verse, but it gives me great peace to know that God isn’t condemning me.  He knows my every thought before I type them, (Heck! before I even think them!)  The best part is, He still loves me!  All of this guilt—whether it be once a day or ten times a day—I take them to Him and He wipes away the stain.  I am thankful for a God who doesn’t condemn me in my humanness.  I am thankful for a God that says I don’t have to be guilty anymore.  When He died on the cross, He took my guilt unto himself.  ß For that I am eternally grateful!

So, whether you struggle with guilt because of wrong actions, or false guilt that the enemy brings against you, we must remember what the Word says in Micah 7:19, "...he will have compassion upon us; he will subdue our iniquities; and thou wilt cast all their sins into the depths of the sea."  He removes all sin, guilt, and shame from us and casts them as far from us as the East is from the West (Psalms 103:12)!  The Lord also promises that when we ask for His forgiveness and grace—He freely gives it to us.  Isaiah 1:18, "Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool."  If your guilt is the result of sin or a wrong action, confess it to God, be confident in His cleansing power and forgiveness, and move on.  If your guilt is more like mine, lies from the enemy, set your thoughts on higher things.  Remember that the only truly judge (Jesus) isn’t condemning you.  He is for you—ready to tell you how very much He loves, values, and treasures you.  So, throw off those weights of guilt and shame—and let Jesus set your heart, mind, and spirit free.