That Ugly Person in the Mirror
We've all done it. Man or woman you've done it at some point. You find yourself standing there, in front of the mirror, disgustedly staring at yourself. You pinch, poke, grab and make mental note all of the things that make you imperfect. You muse to yourself, my chest is too big, my nose too long, my belly is far too flabby, and my rear end too dimply. You even note minor (minute) imperfections like your eyebrows are different, your hair has a weird reddish-tint, and your teeth sure are looking more yellow these days... we massacre ourselves in front of the mirror. We hate on ourselves in front of the mirror. When we stand in front of the mirror, our self is reflected back to us. Every part of us is reflected. The mirror doesn't lie (or so people say) and every time you stare into a mirror you're confronted with yourself---the good, the bad, and the ugly.
When I was a small child, the mirror told me I was perfect the way that I was. It told me I was beautiful, smart, and capable. In front of the mirror, I believed I could grow up to be a famous singer, actress, or dancer. As a young girl, I often stood in front my mom's full-length mirror as I twirled in my skirts and high heel shoes. I stood in front of the mirror dressed up like a princesses and I stood there watching myself sing and dance. The mirror told me everything was possible. I didn't notice my flaws and imperfections. I looked at my image in the mirror and truly believed I was beautiful, loved, and cherished. The mirror told me I was imperfectly perfect.
When I was a teenager, the mirror told me I wasn't enough. The mirror told me I needed to lose ten more pounds to be "happy". It told me my body was imperfect: my waist too thick, my chest too large, my skin too white, and my hair too stringy. It told me to wear more makeup, to wear name brand clothes, and to hate myself. It told me to eat less and exercise more. It told me to count calories. It eventually told me to overexercise, starve myself, and make myself throw up. It told me that I had no willpower. It told me I was limited in what I could do and in who I could become. It told me that my worth was based on the number on a scale or a size tag in my pants. It told me that no one would ever want me the way I was, it showed me every imperfection. The reflection I saw in the mirror disgusted me. The mirror held me back, its' constant reminder of all my short-comings kept me from stepping out, trying things, and doing more. The mirror only reflected the the ugly things of me, the imperfections, the shortcomings. It showed me I was ugly--inside and out.
After I became a mommy, the mirror showed me irreversible change. It showed me red, angry lines that marked my body like the scratches from a tiger. It showed me a much softer tummy, bigger thighs, and sagging skin. It showed that I was no longer a young woman, I was a mother. The mirror showed me every way that my body was no longer what it had been, it made me mourn the loss of that "pre-baby" body that I had so loathed. It made me questioned how I had allowed myself to get this bad, how I had let myself go. It showed the dark circles under my eyes from sleepless nights, the spit up stained clothing that replaced my once "stylish" wardrobe. It told me to try harder, to do more, and to be more. It told me that I had to be supermom. It told me that you have to hate your body after baby... that hating your body is normal, it's part of life, it's unavoidable. The mirror showed my uncertainties, it showed my fears, it showed my shortcomings. The mirror showed me every way that I was different, and that I could never undo the change. The mirror showed me an already "ugly" teenager girl that had changed into an even uglier young mother.
The mirror now shows me a woman whose body has changed indefinitely. It shows me my many imperfections. It shows signs of aging (I'm not 19 anymore), it shows reminders of the two sweet baby girls it carried inside, and it shows the curves, bumps and bulges that I could live without. When I look in the mirror now-a-days, I come face to face with my failures, my insecurities, my faults. The mirror shows a wife, a mother, a pastor's wife, a friend and an employee. It shows a person that drops the ball too many times. It shows me the wife who doesn't uplift her husband enough, a woman who asks him to do thingsone too many times. It shows me the mother that loses her patience, the mother that raises her voice, and that sometimes in the heat of the moment (or tantrum) questions her desire to have kids. It shows the pastor's wife who feels as though she has nothing to offer anyone. It shows me the friend that gets too busy. It shows the unanswered Facebook messages, text messages, and emails. It shows me the employee who messes up, who can't ever seem to get it all done, and who thinks about being at home while she's working. The mirror not only shows me the "ugly" parts on my outside, it shows me the ugly that's within me. The mirror shows me that ugly young mother that has turned into an even uglier woman who lacks...who falls short...and who still isn't perfect.
I think that we go through seasons in our lives where God holds up a spiritual mirror in front of us and exposes the ugly inside of us. I am in one of those seasons. This season is a hard one... it's difficult to be confronted with and have to face head on the things we try to hide. There are things we often "see" in our physical mirrors that we can't change, we don't know how to fix, or that we don't know how to repair. The same is true when God shows us our imperfections, faults, shortcomings and ugliness in His spiritual mirror. God's mirror reflects those ugly things we hide deep within our hearts. God has been revealing to me some ugly things in my heart that He wants to deal with. It's hard, it hurts, and at times I don't know that this "ugliness" will ever go away. I am thankful however, that my heavenly Father doesn't view my heart and me the way that I have viewed myself for all these years. I'm thankful that His mirror, while it shows me the things I need to alter and change, it reflects the good that's within me. His mirror tells me that man looks at the outward appearance but that God looks at the heart. It tells me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. It tells me that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. His mirror tells me that all things are made perfect in Christ and that He loved me so much that He sent His only Son to die for me... He saw (and sees) worth and value in me...despite my imperfections and all the ugliness I represent, He loves me and accepts me. Just. As. I. Am.
Tonight as my two year old was getting out of the shower, I heard her exclaim to her daddy in her sweet, sing-songy voice, "DADDY! I'm beeee-UUUU-ti-ful..." The confidence and certainty I heard in her voice took me back to a time where another little girl stood proudly looking into a mirror seeing only beauty---inside and out. There are some days I stand crying in front of God's spiritual mirror--there are many days that the ugliness that is within my heart seems to far outweigh any beauty...any good. There are days when I don't want to face the mirror, I want to ignore those things... but God is calling me (is calling us) to face the ugly in the mirror and to deal with those things... He created us in His image and it's time for us to start reflecting that.
When I was a small child, the mirror told me I was perfect the way that I was. It told me I was beautiful, smart, and capable. In front of the mirror, I believed I could grow up to be a famous singer, actress, or dancer. As a young girl, I often stood in front my mom's full-length mirror as I twirled in my skirts and high heel shoes. I stood in front of the mirror dressed up like a princesses and I stood there watching myself sing and dance. The mirror told me everything was possible. I didn't notice my flaws and imperfections. I looked at my image in the mirror and truly believed I was beautiful, loved, and cherished. The mirror told me I was imperfectly perfect.
When I was a teenager, the mirror told me I wasn't enough. The mirror told me I needed to lose ten more pounds to be "happy". It told me my body was imperfect: my waist too thick, my chest too large, my skin too white, and my hair too stringy. It told me to wear more makeup, to wear name brand clothes, and to hate myself. It told me to eat less and exercise more. It told me to count calories. It eventually told me to overexercise, starve myself, and make myself throw up. It told me that I had no willpower. It told me I was limited in what I could do and in who I could become. It told me that my worth was based on the number on a scale or a size tag in my pants. It told me that no one would ever want me the way I was, it showed me every imperfection. The reflection I saw in the mirror disgusted me. The mirror held me back, its' constant reminder of all my short-comings kept me from stepping out, trying things, and doing more. The mirror only reflected the the ugly things of me, the imperfections, the shortcomings. It showed me I was ugly--inside and out.
After I became a mommy, the mirror showed me irreversible change. It showed me red, angry lines that marked my body like the scratches from a tiger. It showed me a much softer tummy, bigger thighs, and sagging skin. It showed that I was no longer a young woman, I was a mother. The mirror showed me every way that my body was no longer what it had been, it made me mourn the loss of that "pre-baby" body that I had so loathed. It made me questioned how I had allowed myself to get this bad, how I had let myself go. It showed the dark circles under my eyes from sleepless nights, the spit up stained clothing that replaced my once "stylish" wardrobe. It told me to try harder, to do more, and to be more. It told me that I had to be supermom. It told me that you have to hate your body after baby... that hating your body is normal, it's part of life, it's unavoidable. The mirror showed my uncertainties, it showed my fears, it showed my shortcomings. The mirror showed me every way that I was different, and that I could never undo the change. The mirror showed me an already "ugly" teenager girl that had changed into an even uglier young mother.
The mirror now shows me a woman whose body has changed indefinitely. It shows me my many imperfections. It shows signs of aging (I'm not 19 anymore), it shows reminders of the two sweet baby girls it carried inside, and it shows the curves, bumps and bulges that I could live without. When I look in the mirror now-a-days, I come face to face with my failures, my insecurities, my faults. The mirror shows a wife, a mother, a pastor's wife, a friend and an employee. It shows a person that drops the ball too many times. It shows me the wife who doesn't uplift her husband enough, a woman who asks him to do things
I think that we go through seasons in our lives where God holds up a spiritual mirror in front of us and exposes the ugly inside of us. I am in one of those seasons. This season is a hard one... it's difficult to be confronted with and have to face head on the things we try to hide. There are things we often "see" in our physical mirrors that we can't change, we don't know how to fix, or that we don't know how to repair. The same is true when God shows us our imperfections, faults, shortcomings and ugliness in His spiritual mirror. God's mirror reflects those ugly things we hide deep within our hearts. God has been revealing to me some ugly things in my heart that He wants to deal with. It's hard, it hurts, and at times I don't know that this "ugliness" will ever go away. I am thankful however, that my heavenly Father doesn't view my heart and me the way that I have viewed myself for all these years. I'm thankful that His mirror, while it shows me the things I need to alter and change, it reflects the good that's within me. His mirror tells me that man looks at the outward appearance but that God looks at the heart. It tells me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. It tells me that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. His mirror tells me that all things are made perfect in Christ and that He loved me so much that He sent His only Son to die for me... He saw (and sees) worth and value in me...despite my imperfections and all the ugliness I represent, He loves me and accepts me. Just. As. I. Am.
Tonight as my two year old was getting out of the shower, I heard her exclaim to her daddy in her sweet, sing-songy voice, "DADDY! I'm beeee-UUUU-ti-ful..." The confidence and certainty I heard in her voice took me back to a time where another little girl stood proudly looking into a mirror seeing only beauty---inside and out. There are some days I stand crying in front of God's spiritual mirror--there are many days that the ugliness that is within my heart seems to far outweigh any beauty...any good. There are days when I don't want to face the mirror, I want to ignore those things... but God is calling me (is calling us) to face the ugly in the mirror and to deal with those things... He created us in His image and it's time for us to start reflecting that.
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