Still Sovereign and Still Good

My family and I were forced into this journey of grief almost a year ago (May 24th) and to say it has been anything but hellish would be a true understatement.  While we all know life isn't supposed to be perfect and that bad things happen to good people, we never truly expect to be at the receiving end of tragedy.  It hits you like a freight train--no warning--to time to prepare--and it leaves you reeling.

I'd like to say that being a believer, being a christian or even being "religious" helps makes this process easier, but I can't say that it does.  Don't get me wrong, I still believe and I am still a christian, but; putting all masks aside, this tragedy has shaken my faith.  I've asked the age-old questions of, "Where were you God?"  "Why did you allow this to happen?"  "Why didn't you save him?" "Was he scared?"  "Did he feel alone?"  "Did he feel pain?"  "Did he die instantly?" Although I know I'll never get an answer this side of heaven, I've still whispered those questions to the heavens in moments of intense pain, anger and desperation.  

During this past year, I've found God to be very still and silent--but present.  I know it seems contradictory, I've never felt Him be so far away, yet so close.  The only thing I've felt God speak to my heart over this past year is a simple, HARD truth.  If I were to be honest, it made me scoff and feel very angry the first time I felt it whispered into my spirit. 

"I'm a sovereign God and I'm still good"

I will spare you the gory details of my initial response to this truth, but it's a truth that has worked its way into my heart and soul and has begun to bring about a strange peace.  The pain is still very present, the emotions are still all over the place and there are many, very bad days... but this nagging truth keeps worming its way into the shattered bits of my heart and burying into the very depths of my soul. 

Now is the moment I have a decision to make--do I really believe what I've claimed to believe all these years?  Is God only good when all my circumstances are good?  Do I only trust Him when He does things according to my preferences?  Is my faith truly in Him and in His Word?  Right now, even though I don't always "feel" it-- I am declaring that He is Good and He is Sovereign... I choose to keep trusting in Him-- even as I'm following Him blinded by tears and doubled over in pain.  

"Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words. (Thessalonians 4:13-18)

By typing these words, I am praying they bring peace and comfort to myself and hoping that they can bring peace and comfort to you as well--that we may know that He is still good and still sovereign regardless of our current reality.