One Year Without You

Somedays it feels like it just happened, and yet other days it feels like it's been lifetimes ago.
It's hard to fathom, unless you lived it, just how quickly you and your world and all you hold dear to and believe in can change so suddenly, without any warning at all.

Today was our last "first", we have both dreaded it and at the same time willed it to be over with since this all began.  We survived our first holidays without you, your first birthday and now we are surviving the reminder of the worst day of our lives (as of yet, because who knows what tomorrow brings), the day that will forever be etched in our memories has come, and in a few hours will go.

Our first year without you.

I have felt so many emotions over the past year and even more over these past few days and hours.  So many feelings... a deep sadness, a sense of defeat, weird memories and a few regrets.  I've aged noticeably, I feel old and weathered, I've not taken care of myself the way you would have wanted me to, I've had days where I've done nothing but cry and days where I'm numb and without feelings.

The first weeks and months after you died, the moment I'd wake up and blink a few times--still stuck between dreams and reality--the crushing reminder you were gone and that this wasn't a bad dream would come crashing back down over me, drowning me in tears.  I still think of you every morning, but for me, the nights are the hardest.

I consider myself to be very blessed to be your big sister, even though you were a lot bigger than me many years ago.  I have so many good, good memories of us growing up together.  Seeing that mischievous twinkle in your eyes and those adorable dimples, that saved your rear many a time.  I know we had a special relationship that many siblings never have, and for that I am thankful.

But today, I feel cheated and I am angry... I feel robbed of all those memories siblings are supposed to share.  I've been robbed of those we were supposed to make.  I know it seems stupid, and I know you didn't do it on purpose, but I feel like you left me and Devin here all alone, and it's just not the same without you.  Being two siblings when we've been three all our lives just feels strange and weird on so many levels.

I also feel guilty because I wasn't around but once a year the last six years of your life and it breaks my heart to know that while you've only been gone from this earth today for a year, I've not seen you in two.  And it stills haunts me that I missed seeing you once last time by two weeks.  14 days.  I often ask God, "Why?"  I've stopped asking Him why you had to die, because I'll never get that answer, but somedays I still ask why He couldn't have let me see you one more time.  I don't expect to get an answer to that question either.

Strangely enough, God has been near in all of this, very quiet but near.  There's been no denying His presence through all of this.  It hasn't made it easier, there have been many dark days that only He knows about, but He hasn't left us.  I know this.  The fact we are still standing here is only because He has been holding us up.

So, there you have it....One year. Three hundred and sixty-five days.  365.  However you say it or write it, it's a really long time.  And yet, one year pales in comparison to all the days we have left without you.

This is my favorite picture of the three of us, because it perfectly describes us.

~ * ~

 I love and miss you, Dalton.

And Devin, I am so thankful for another year with you.