Turning Lists into Prayers

For those of you who many not know, I am somewhat of a tightly-strung individual by nature.   When you combine that with the fact I'm a perfectionist, well, it's a mess!  While I've mellowed out a lot in the last few years, I still have to fight the bent-out-of-shape feeling I sometimes get when plans change last minute, when plans are made at the very last minute, or when there are no plans at all.  I have been a planner since birth and I am the queen of "to-do lists",  I've made lists for ages.  I actually remember as a young child writing in a little notebook in what order I would clean my room or do my chores (anal, I know).  While my "gift" of planning as been useful to me as an educator, it can also be somewhat of a curse.

Lists enable me to sleep at night...when I find myself unable to sleep because my brain won't shut off, I write a list, for me it's almost magical.  Once the things I need to do are out-of-my-head so to speak, I can sleep.  Lists help me to feel productive.  There is no better feeling in the world then checking off the last item on my to-do list.  Lists keep me organized and they keep me from forgetting important things like sunscreen at the beach (especially now that I have children and have to carry the entire world with me for a day trip).  Lists help me feel prepared... they remind me of important things... they help me to manage my time.

Lists also have been known to make me feel overwhelmed, when I see in writing just how much I need to get done.  They often make me feel discouraged when at the end of my day, my list has grown instead of being checked off.  Lists remind me just how out-of-control of things I really am.  Lists can make me so "organized" that I miss out on the fun of being spontaneous or knowing how to improvise. Sometimes I waste valuable time writing my lists and other times I find myself writing lists in order to "productively" procrastinate--to look like I'm busy.

Often times my lists have cost me my peace.  I many times find myself much more reliant on my lists then on my God.  When my list grows too long, I begin to allow anxiety, worry, and frustration to overtake my mind.  Instead of taking all of my worries, fears, and things to do to God--I try to manage them all myself.  I'm not saying that writing lists are bad, I still use them.  But, I am trying to change just HOW I use them.  I am trying to make even my list-making glorify God.  Now, I pray over the things I write on my list and ask God to help me accomplish the things He wants me to and that we would give me the strength, motivation and peace to do so.

Don't close out this blog post just yet, please.  I promise I'm not trying to sound holier-than-thou or hyper-spiritual... I've just been asking God to teach me things using the every-day, mundane things of my life.  He's come through for me too--He's spoken to me while I'm washing dishes.  He has taught me valuable lessons while I'm hanging clothes to dry and He's corrected things in me while I'm changing dirty diapers.

Peace is not a fruit that grows easily or naturally in my heart.  Being really transparent,  I struggle with worry, anxiousness and fear.  Every. Single. Day.  I struggle with that to the point my stomach hurts, I get sometimes get sick, and I miss out on experiences.  It's terrible.  I am learning to trust, because lack of peace stems from lack of trust.  I am learning to trust and believe that God works all things together for my good and that He has promised never to leave and forsake me.  I am coming to terms with the simple and profound fact that God can handle my life WAY better than I can.  I am learning to cast my cares on Him because He cares for me.  But it's not easy, it's a constant battle and struggle for me.  But I am determined to live a life of peace, tranquility, and boldness... and for me that starts with turning my lists into prayers.