I THINK I Can... I Hope I Can...

Hey Ya'll, 

Being honest and transparent can be hard for the proud perfectionist like me.  You see, I've spent the last decade and a half (or longer) perfecting how to "fake it" and make it look like everything is hunky-dory and perfect!  Being "real" has been my personal challenge this year and so in honor of this, I want to verbally admit something to you all.  These last two weeks have been HARD.  I've wanted to quit, pack it all up, and come home.   I honestly don't know whether to blame it on pregnancy hormones or just that I'm a terrible, rotten, and selfish person.  BUT... I do know that God and I have had some real heart-to-hearts and that I've been doing a lot of soul-searching.

Those of you who know me well, know that I am a fiercely independent person.  I often daily find myself getting aggravated and impatient with Isabella and her over-used phrase, "I do it myself mommy!"  But, if I were to be totally honest, it's because I hear myself speaking when she declares her fierce independence to me!  I struggle with it because I want to do it MY way and be in control.   In this sense, she is a little mini-me.  Shhhh, don't tell Sergio I admitted that.  In totally transparency, I don't want or need help.  I want to do things BY MYSELF and I want to do things my way!  

This has resulted in a HUGE difficulty for me here.  Living in another country I feel that in many ways I've lost my independence.  Culturally speaking, people here do things TOGETHER.  They ride to work together, they eat together, they cook together, they shop together... my American-ness can't help but want to do things alone sometimes.  I MISS going grocery shopping alone, taking myself to the dentist or doctor, and even driving places alone.  The reality in the moment is, I am still learning the area, the people, and how things "roll" here, I don't have a car and while I don't want to accept or admit it, I stick out a little here.  I get attention I'd rather not get.  In a nutshell, becoming "dependent" has been a VERY difficult adjustment for me.  Somedays I accept it more gracefully.  Other days I pout, cry, and have pity parties about it.   I'm ashamed to say that these past few weeks, I've chosen the latter. I've pouted, cried, questioned God, and been generally negative.  (Sorry Sergio, mom, and Izzy!)  

So, today instead of focusing on the things I CAN'T do here, I'm going to celebrate a few of the small things that I CAN do.  Please don't judge or laugh.   I too at a time would have smirked and thought "so what"... but, I'm telling you, these "small" victories seem like winning a war somedays! 

• I can tell a cab driver the directions to my apartment, my place of work, and the church.  (I won't mention that the church and my work are in the same place.)
• I can pay and make change with pesos.
• I am beginning to be able to "find my way around" as in recognizing streets, areas, and directions to the places we frequent.
• I can sweep and mop my apartment like nobody's business (It's a good thing since it could stand to be done every day here.)
• I can survive the heat.   I go ALL DAY without air conditioning at work.  Trust me, the heat and humidity here makes the South look pathetic.  
• I can communicate my basic needs, wants, and I am able to function in my Spanish-speaking workplace.  Sometimes with some creativity, but it's happening.
• I am a much quicker dishwasher.  I can wash dishes quicker now than ever due to my daily (hourly) practice.
• I am slowly learning substitutions for cooking here and I am learning how to cook from TOTAL whole foods.  (Geez, this takes a lot of planning!)

Perhaps the most profound two are:

• My relationship with my husband is stronger and different than it's ever been.  Sergio is my true soul-mate, he has taken on so many extra responsibilities here and I don't mean just within the church.  He's had to carry MY slack.  He's had to take over the things I CAN'T do here.  Through this experience, I have come to respect and rely on Sergio in a way that I never would have had to in the United States.  I know in a strange way, this is truly a gift from God.
• I am learning day-in and day-out that I AM NOT ENOUGH.  I am learning that I CAN'T DO THIS (alone).  I am learning that God doesn't always promise us that things will be easy, enjoyable, or even comfortable but that He DOES promise never to leave or forsake us.  Even in the days when I want to board the fastest airplane back to the United States, He reminds me that I can do this... whether I think I can or not.  

So, excuse me on my low days.  Forgive my (human) and I'm sure bipolar sounding emotions in this journey I am on.  It's not easy, but I am going to do this.  And to you, dear friends, whatever God has called you to do.  No matter how seemingly small or big.  Keep on keeping on.  You can do this. I think you can.  He thinks you can.  With His strength He promised you can.

Much Love,

XOXO