Every day I will give you a color

Every day I will give you a color, 

For it seems as though recently colors better reflect my feelings.

I feel as though my life is now made up of two deeply contrasting hues-- pale lights and menacing darks.

The lights in my life--my dear my husband, my sweet babies and those left I still love--

My darks everything pertaining to you.

Fridays.

Odd hour phone calls.

Unanswered text messages.

Pathetic notes on Facebook that you'll never read.

The thoughts of pictures of all future events, in which your image will forever be missing.

The unfairness of you being gone.

I feel like I am never truly present in the lights anymore, even in the moments where I find myself laughing or smiling--it's like the dark is always on the horizon, slightly shadowing the moment of light.  

I am constantly tip-toeing around the edge of the abyss of darkness.  Sometimes I am afraid of what happens if I were to slip and fall in.  Would it consume me?

I fear the pain and sadness and despair that the darkness holds.  I am afraid of feeling what it wants me to.

So I cling to the lights, begging and pleading that the darks leave me be.

For I am afraid of what awaits me in the dark.


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