I Know I'm Going to Miss This, But Right Now I'm Just Tired
I'm fairly certain that nearly every mother of small children has heard the phrase, "you're going to miss this...". I don't know about you, but I usually hear this comment in the middle of a toddler-tantrum or while my child is calling my name for the umpteenth time for the day, or when I have one child lying limp on the floor and other one running in the opposite direction... and usually it's all I can do to not roll my eyes or make a not-so-kind comment. The thing is, I know I'm going to miss this... right now I'm just tired.
You see, I've been woken up every two hours the last six nights by a sick toddler burning up with fever in my bed. I've held her, rocked her, prayed for her, worried for her, wiped her down with cool rags, bathed her in lukewarm water, carefully administered medicine every so many hours and patted her back until she could ease back off to sleep.
You see, today alone my name has been called at least one hundred times in the last... hour. I'm always needed... to pour a drink, to fix a snack, to change a diaper, to get down an out-of-reach toy, or to wipe a fanny or nose.
You see, I've not worked out in months because between working a full-time job five days a week, cooking dinners, washing fifty loads of clothes daily, doing homework, packing lunch boxes and book bags and fighting with people to go to bed, I'm left with time for a shower and hopefully a 20 minute quiet time before I have to go bed. Not to mention that no matter how early I plan on getting up, a night of little to no sleep ensures or someone randomly wakes up with me.
You see, my nails haven't seen the salon in months, my haircut is five months past due, my eye brows are making their presence known, my skin could use some serious exfoliation and my mom-bod is in tip-top form. I feel frumpy, flabby and neglected. When was the last time I felt pretty? I spend the majority of my time painstakingly creating "Frozen Braids" or "pony tails that look like real horse tails" or brushing the teeth and washing the faces and bodies of two little ones... I'm doing great with a shower that I actually shave my legs in (poor Sergio!). When I finally have time to myself (rare occasion) how do I spend it? Passed out snoring or catching up on laundry.
But in the midst of all this, I still take time to breathe in the shampoo smell from my girls' heads as I tuck them in at night. I still marvel at how their tiny hands still fit into mine. I relish in the feeling of having their arms around me and their head tucked into the crook of my neck. I still go sit by their beds at night and pray over them, dream over them and marvel over them... I sometimes cry quietly when I noticed just how big and long and grown they're becoming.
I may not always stop everything to play Barbies everyday, or color for hours on end, but I enjoy every sticky hug and milk-breath kiss from them. My heart still skips a beat every time they voluntary tell me that they love me.
I look back over pictures of when they were so small, and new and tiny... and sometimes I can't even remember that far back. I miss those tiny new born days. I get scared because I realize how fast time really is passing. I get weepy when I see how much their chubby cherub faces have changed and how every day they're looking more and more like little girls and less and less like babies. The days are so long but the years... they're so short.
I may not marvel at every disaster they create or every fit that they pitch... but I am full aware that one day I will miss the mess, the chaos and the noise. I may not always enjoy feeling like at the end of every day I'm so burnt out I can't handle anyone else needing one more thing from me... but I know I'm going to miss being SO needed one day.
I know I'm going to miss ALL this... but right now, I'm just tired.