I've Missed It

We've all heard the comment (usually when one of my daughters is pitching a fit or acting spineless in the middle of a restaurant)... "...you're going to miss this one day"... "Don't blink"... "...you'll wake up and they'll be grown"... "Babies don't keep"....  Although the timing of these comments sometimes provokes eye-rolling (mine) or a huff and a plastered on smile (hissing a polite answer through clenched teeth) I have to admit as Isabella turned five years old today and Gabrielle informed me that she didn't want me to hold her, I realized I blinked and I have no longer have babies.  These comments (although annoying and usually poorly timed) are proving to be a little truer each and every day.

One of the most important jobs that I have in this period of my life is being a mommy to my two precious daughters.  I work outside the home, five days a week, more hours than I'd like to admit...and it's hard.  Coming home after having working 8-9 hours, to cook dinner, do homework, give baths, repack book bags and lunch bags, put little people to bed and then to finish up the laundry, dishes and other necessary daily tasks... it's exhausting.

I've spent the majority of the last five years rocking at least one of my babies to sleep.  I've snuggled them close to me, kissed sweet fuzzy heads, little fingers and toes and I've inhaled their sweet, soapy baby smell.  But I've some nights, I've skipped this to take a shower, to clean the kitchen, to spend a night away with my husband, to regain my sanity... I've missed it.

As many times as I've cooked delicious meals and painstakingly made Micky Mouse pancakes, snake spaghetti and smiley face bananas, there's been times when I've not made or served their dinners.  I've missed them trying a new food, spitting out a familiar food and making a mess out of their favorite dessert to attend a meeting, a party or to fulfill another responsibility.  I've missed it.

As many school presentations that have taken place, for every new trick learned in the park, every new word uttered, for every new facial expression, or artistic project they've completed I've inadvertently turned away for a moment, walked in another room or answered a phone call.  I've missed it.  

As many times as I've picked them up when they've fallen, kissed booboos, put bandaids on skinned knees and hugged and patted backs until the tears subsided, there's been times when I've not been there to do that.  There's been moments where other people have had to kiss booboos, soothe my babies and dry their tears.  I've missed it.

I've lost my patience, I've yelled, I'm said mean things and I've questioned why I decided to be a mommy in the first place.  I've allowed other people and situations to take over my life, I've worked instead of playing barbies with my girls, I've typed away at my computer or answered text messages instead of reading a story.  I've missed it.

I'm learning that no matter how hard I try, I am going to keep missing it.  I won't be able to be there for every single thing in their lives.  There's going to be times I have to make my own personal health a priority or my marriage a priority. There are going to be times where I have to trust someone else to wash their grubby faces or give them chocolate milk so that I can take a shower, read a book, or exercise.  So that I can be the kind of mommy they need me to be.

I know I've missed it, I know that I'm going to miss it and I know that I'm going to miss the mark.  But I can't keep living in fear of missing out on things in their lives.  I'm doing the best I can and I am thankful to know that I have a village of people that are there to help me when I miss it.