Torn, Aching Heart

For the past few years I have lived with a torn, aching heart.

It's hard to explain and even harder to live with.  I've attempted this blog many times, but never  can seem to find the words to explain it... and partly I guess, I've not written it out of fear of it coming across as a "complaining" or "feeling sorry for myself" post.   Because that's not what this is.

For the past few years, my heart has been torn between two countries, two cultures, two families, two dreams and two plans.

The United States and Colombia.

American Culture and Latin American Culture.

The Hornes and the Castros.

The American Dream and the Father's Dream.

My plan and His plan.

My heart is always torn and in two places.  Every moment.  Every day.   I always feel like I'm missing a part of me no matter where I am physically.  

When I am in Colombia, my heart aches for my family, the familiarity, the easiness and accessibility, my culture, my language and my customs.  I carry the burden and guilt of knowing that my being there is causing so many others to do without, to sacrifice, to struggle and to ache as well.  My girls are missing out, I am missing out, my husband is missing out.  We put on our smiles and try to be involved and participate in the lives of our families State-side through facetime calls whenever someone is celebrating a birthday, we say prayers and cry for those who have passed on knowing we aren't able to be there physically for friends and family and we don't get to hold sweet, precious new babies or see two people in love make their right now love a forever love.  

When in the States, my heart aches for the ministry, for what I KNOW God has called US to at this moment in time and for the people that have become like family to me.  I get revived, fresh ideas come to me, I get vision and I get pumped with the things I feel like God whispers to me.  I get motivated to keep on keeping on.  I relish every moment, every long-lasting conversation with my brothers, teasing my dad, cooking with my family, seeing my mom laugh and play with my girls.  We put on our smiles and try to be involved and participate in the lives of our family and friends in Colombia through facetime calls whenever someone is celebrating a birthday, we say prayers and cry for those who have passed on knowing we aren't able to be there physically for friends and family and we don't get to hold sweet, precious new babies or see two people in love make their right now love a forever love.  I come home and find that everything is different, people's lives have moved on without me and I find myself sometimes feeling oddly out of place in this country that's supposed to be mine.  

For a while I lived in a pity party, sometimes I still dwell there... but time has taught me that I am not the only person who deals with a torn...aching heart.  I think we all do.  We all struggle with our heart being in two places.  Don't we?  We struggle with what WE want and what HE wants.  We struggle with trying to obtain the American Dream knowing full well it can be obtained at the same time we're trying to accomplish the Father's dream.  We all struggle with our plans and His plans.

So, how do we live life with a torn, aching heart inside of us?  I don't really know.  After prayers begging God to take the "feelings" away He still hasn't.  So... We ask God daily to grant us the strength to live  for today... to help us live our lives for Him.  We ask him to fill us with love and joy whenever we are feeling lonely and far away from loved ones, we ask him to help us desire His dreams more than our own and we ask Him to help us follow His plan in spite of our own.   

We ask Him to take our torn, aching hearts and make them whole again as only He can.