How many more excuses do you have? Me? I have too many!

There's more to love..... or is there?

Hi,

So it's been a while, and I am not sure as to whether or not I will actually share this post or not.  You see, this post is one that is quite private and personal to me.  In other words, it's not something I would share with just any stranger.  

I am going to admit something out loud.  I am constantly mentally and verbally complaining about being fat (my poor husband and self esteem) and not doing a whole heck of a lot about it.  I joined weight watchers a month ago and if I were to be completely honest, I wasted nearly $70 on it.  Please don't tell my hubby.  

The whole saying, "Don't complain about the results you didn't get, from the work you didn't do" seems to haunt and follow me everywhere I go.  I can't seem to escape it's brutal truth.  While I was able to use the "I just had a baby excuse" for a while, it dawned on me that my "baby" is five months old and not growing any slower... I on the other hand seem to continue to grow.  :(

One positive to my otherwise dreary, discouraged, and despondent situation is that I have in complete honesty, been working out 5 days a week for nearly two months now... consistently.  However, my eating is totally canceling out my hard work at the gym.  I am eating ok some days and then for two or three days at a time, I eat complete and utter crap!  I hate the way I look, the way I feel, and the amount I weigh.  I am well aware that making some major lifestyle changes are in need, but I guess I am afraid of failing.

I found this on pinterest today, and it summed things up pretty good for me:

When I look at the logistics of things, the fact that I have an issue with sugar, that I sometimes binge eat, that I don't really "want" to eat good foods but bad foods, or the fact that I need to lose 50lbs or more makes me want to quit before I even start.  Having my sweet baby girl has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.  Yet, I am using her as an excuse to an extent as well.  I keep saying that my pregnancy is what has caused me to be this way... overweight and unhappy, but if I allow myself to remember correctly, I was at my heaviest right before I found out I was pregnant... so in reality, I gained 40lbs while pregnant, and have only about 10lbs to lose to be at my pre-pregnancy weight.  As I am completely honest with myself, I was unhappy with my weight before I was pregnant as well. So, this whole making excuses about being to tired to work out, or that it's okay to eat that dessert because I "earned" it, or that I am craving sweets because I am a new mommy who is tired (which is sooooo true!!) but it's not worth justifying any longer.    With every bite of cake, candy, or greasy fry, I am even more disgusted, unhappy, and unfair to myself, my husband, and my sweet baby girl.

With all this being said, I still feel aimless, I still am not sure how to proceed or what exactly needs to be changed... but it needs to be drastic and soon.  I don't want to be the fat wife my husband is ashamed of or feels the need or make excuses for, OR the mommy that can't play with her baby because she's too tired or out of breath from walking to the park, or pushing a swing.  I want to be attractive to my husband and an example to my daughter.  I want to become that success story I read about.  I want to change and I want to stop this destructive cycle of gaining and losing... I am realizing that I am gaining and losing a lot more than just weight.

So, here's my first step...